As Judgement Day Approaches ...

If only I had more to write about so that my posts weren't every couple months....but hey, the grad school life isn't the most happening.

I've been studying for my qualifying exam for about 3 months now ... it's been such a weird experience really. Last year, I had heard horrifying stories about the studying process and was upset at the prospect of becoming the worst person I could ever be due to the stress. I don't think I ever wanna see how horrible of a person I can get. Luckily, I'd like to believe that didn't happen (for a more honest assessment of this, see Rachana), but it's definitely had it's affect on me. I studied last year, which I realize now to be a decent amount of studying, but enjoyed the process because it was my choice to do it. This time around, the fear of failing the exam has added a level of stress that has made the process not as enjoyable. It's made me realize that I don't like to do things when I'm told to do them, and want to do them on my own accord.

I almost had a panic attack the other day, and then the prospect of having a panic attack also freaked me out ... because I thought, "Vaishali, you don't stress out...what's going on!?!" It happened right before a final exam and made me realize how important it is to be confident going into an exam. As I sat there with the exam, somehow every question made no sense at all, all of a sudden. Only after I forced myself to calm down and sit back did everything start making sense. Realization from that experience -- I better be calm and composed on the day of the qual.

Which gets me to the dilemma -- how do you walk into a test like that, confident? I'd like to walk in thinking, "I know everything. I'm gonna rock this." We've been told that the amount we know right now is the most we'll ever know about astronomy as a whole (later, we'll be smarter in our own particular fields). Too bad none of us feel that smart. Personally, I'm not afraid of failing really (this will be a funny post to read later if I do fail), but I want to do really well on the exam because it's the last exam I'll ever take. Looking back, I feel that in my life whenever I have had a big exam that is really important for my future, I never put enough time and energy into it. I feel like this is the last time to prove to myself that I can study really hard and kick ass on an exam.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. And as I have learned....when in doubt, conserve energy!! (I'd love to know which one of you all caught that reference.)